Baby Weight Sucks

People can tell you that you are beautiful, pretty, cute, looking good, etc, however they can't hide the truth that you see when you look in the mirror or at yourself in a photo. Weight and self-image has always been a struggle of mine, especially growing up as a dancer. I starved myself and/or threw up anything and everything that I ate from about 7th grade throughout my senior year of high school. I then gained my freshman 15+ in college and got fatter and fatter and fatter. When I started getting ready for my wedding, I was able to lose some of the weight, but I still wasn't happy. Then my dad passed away 2 months later and I did nothing but eat my feelings, so all the weight I lost for the wedding came back super fast. I then started teaching and coaching, and I would go through phases of losing and gaining, and right when I was getting in my stride of losing weight, I got pregnant. I only gained 18 pounds my entire pregnancy (and let me remind you that I gave birth to an 11 lb, 6 oz baby boy) and at the time I was done breast feeding I was at 188.6 pounds. That was less than I weighed when I got pregnant and I was super proud of myself, and I joined Weight Watchers to help me get to where I want to be (150ish would be nice). Since then, I lost weight, but then gained almost everything back.

I'm now at a weight that I have only weighed one other time and that was this time last year when I was pregnant. I am an awful dieter but even with my best efforts I see very little results. It has made me extremely moody and depressed beyond belief because all I see when I look at myself is a gigantic fat blob. My legs that use to be pure muscle are flabby and covered in cellulite. My stomach is awful looking and my arms are embarrassing. I have very little self confidence and I don't feel attractive at all. With all of this combined, it makes me stop and stare at the diet pills every time I'm in a grocery store or pharmacy, but even worse it causes me to re-visit past demons from high school. I want nothing more than to be able to put on shorts, a skirt, a tank top, a dress, a bathing suit, this summer and not be embarrassed. At the end of July I will be going to Disney with my cheerleaders and we are spending one day at a water park. That is my biggest nightmare!!! Walking around a water park all day scares me to death. Knowing I am going to have to find a bathing suit that is water park quality scares me. I have to get my weight under control before then or I will be one disgusting mess (on the outside and inside).

I have to take some drastic action to get my shit together between now and the summer. I can't wait to get Walden in the pool for the 1st time, but I want it to be fun for both of us, so I don't need to be worried about how I look when all I want is to be with him. Besides the regular dieting and using the elliptical everyday, I don't know what else I will turn too, but something has to be done. Here's to making changes and I will try to report how I'm doing and what I'm doing. Here goes nothing....